The End of My Heart's String

Back in the U.S. yet again.

Ametenda maajabu nasiwezi kueleza!
He has done so much for me and I cannot tell it all! 

    This Kiswahili worship song has been echoing in my head since my fellow worship leader and lovely friend taught it to me on the plane ride back to the U.S. How can I tell it all? How can I tell of God's incredibly love that cannot be fathomed? How He blessed me beyond anything I can understand with love, affirmation, confirmation, and pure joy? How can I tell that He gave me a community of friends my age who quickly became a family with one heart and mind? That I was sweetly broken for every child I touched? Run-on sentences don't seem to be enough. There are too many words to choose from, too many to use to describe my experience in Kenya this summer with my Heavenly Father. Bwana asifiwe! Praise God.
   Going into the summer, I was very confident that it would be easier returning home knowing that I'll be back in East Africa again before the year ends. Yet, as my group was in debriefing, my whole being was resisting the thought of leaving my beloved friends and family in Kenya and in my group. While there were many challenges, the joy I found was overflowing to the point of becoming a waterfall. It was God's doing. I met new friends, and cried many tears of joy when seeing old, dear friends (my friend Silvia being one of the most joyful reunions). It was God's doing.
   Now I am learning evermore that my love for Jesus and the joy that I find in following Him should not change with my circumstances because He doesn't change:
   Sometimes the biggest lessons from Kenya do not show their faces until reentering your home culture. I got hit hard yesterday with my "big lesson" after almost a week of adjusting, impatience with my home culture, struggling with remarks from people around me, and longing to be back with the community I grew to love and the families I have become a part of.

   Apart from learning to give generously, that all I have is God's, and all the confirmation and affirmation I received, I was/am completely blown away by God my Father. Taken aback and utterly blindsided by Him. 
            Me. I am an ugly, selfish, prideful person inside, completely. There is a black blob of sin that consumes me, that rebels against God's voice and His commands. I am a sinful, ignorant being - unfit to be even acknowledged by God or used by Him.
            God. He doesn't need me. He doesn't need us to accept Him, pray to Him, to obey Him, to follow Him. He is the ultimate being, the only One worthy of praise, indescribable, beyond powerful enough to kill and destroy, to wipe out entire nations. He is the beginning of all things, the end of all things. He holds enough love for the universe. He holds the life of the universe with His finger. He is dangerous and mighty.
   Yet, God allowed me to be someone He used. He used me to show an overflow of joy and love for my Jesus despite my ugliness and sinful self. He gave me a joy that shone brightly, that was recognizable; a love for Jesus that I could not contain. It was overflowing to those around me.
   He doesn't need me.
   But He chooses to want me/us. Do you know why? It is for OUR benefit! Because He chooses to love even a wretch like me. No matter how small we make Him out to be, no matter how much we insult Him, no matter how many times we push Him away... God doesn't need us to do anything for Him, but He desires it because it brings us closer to Him - He wants to love us!
   What?! Do you know what that could mean if we all took that seriously? At face value? I am utterly blown away. He could take away my life at any moment; He holds that string that sustains my life and He could let go. 
  Now I completely understand with my whole being why The Lord needs to be praised and respected. I understand why we need to fear Him because of His incredible power and might. He doesn't need me to say "yes" to His call to for me to go to Uganda or to love Him.
  But I am and I do. My love for The Lord is growing evermore as I realize my huge need for Him in my life. I need Him because of how black and ugly I am inside; how weak and prideful.
  Kenya 2013 showed me the joy that comes with saying "yes" to Jesus' promptings. He has lavished His love upon me and that made me fall in love with my God more and more. Whether I deserve it or not, He blessed me abundantly by allowing me to go to Kenya and be in a place I love dearly; by allowing me to find the end of my heart's strings in the ebony faces of children and orphans.
     I am to praise Him because He is good to those who love Him. I am to praise Him because He chooses to love me and give me a desire to hear these words from The Father's lips at the end of all things, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."



Kenya doesn't change people. God uses Kenya to change the people who find themselves there.



And this is just the beginning...
 
  

The Speed of Time

With ten days left, I am preparing myself to say "kwa heri" (goodbye) to my Kenya. This will likely be my last update until I land on U.S. soil. I think I have really been able to appreciate each and every day here because I have experienced how precious and scarce my time is here. The feeling in my stomach of dread is very familiar. The fact that I will be heading back to East Africa later in the year isn't softening the blow of leaving despite what I had expected. The people I have met and have gotten to know are the hardest to leave...
While in Kasarani, we have learned about Islam, Hinduism, visited the Mother Teresa orphanage, spent time with the children in Mathare Valley slum, been on a safari in Naivasha, and have been able to process what God taught us all on our three week assignment. I have loved being there for the students as they experience God and as they confront the lessons Christ is showing them. The team in general has been impacting Kenya in small ways and God has used those ways to expand His kingdom and change all of our lives.
The bittersweet number of days remaining will be full. Tomorrow we will be going to a youth prison to do ministry, and Friday will be our trip to Africa Inland Mission's headquarters in Nairobi before departing for Mombasa for debriefing. I cannot wait to see what God has for me/us these few days left.
Sigh. I am thankful that I don't want to leave Kenya because that means it was a great experience. At the same time, it will break my heart as much as it did two years ago.

Please be praying for:
  Continued health for our team
  Safe travel in and from Nairobi
  Rest
  The students on my team
  All of us staff as we serve the students and try and process what we've learned as well
 Brian and Mama Hannah - God to give them energy and strength as they continue to lead and guide us
Also, safe travel as we head to Mombasa, back to Nairobi, and as we fly home.

You are all in my thoughts and I cannot wait to tell you of God's goodness in my life and in Kenya when I get back. Kwa heri!

Baraka,
Missy

Overflow

I miss Port Victoria already and the wonderful family I've become a part of there. However, I think it has been easier leaving them knowing that I will be in Kampala, Uganda later in the year and it is only a 3 hour bus ride to Port. It won't be long.
This week we have been to the Hindu temples to learn more about the religion, but also to do a prayer-walk. This morning, we went to Huruma, another slum in the city, to visit the Mother Teresa orphanage. It was such a delight to visit those places again, especially the orphanage. To my surprise, I found little Grace still in the disabled ward from two years ago. Tears were to be found in my eyes -  you never know who will last or who you will ever get to see again. We connected in many ways then and even this morning. God is good.
Being a staff member of the team, I have spent the last few days listening and sharing wisdom with many students, if not all of them. I love being there for them and guiding them through their thoughts and feelings, yet I haven't had a lot of time to process or share my own - the sacrifice of being a leader.
Even from the time I stepped into Kenya, I think God has been confirming the fast that He wants me here and in East Africa in general. Looking back, it has been clearly stated from Pastor Felix and Pastor Aggrey in Ngong, from Mama, and even from the head master in Port after he had known me only a few days. One day at Mama Rosemary's house, an old mzay (elderly lady), who takes her orphaned granddaughter to the school, came to visit us saying she hadn't had anything to eat for two days. Mama had us girls prepare bread and chai to take her as we waited for our lunch to cook so we could share with her. Later, she showed us a cut on her leg that was making her ankle swell because of an oncoming infection. I grabbed my bag of bandages and ointment to dress it, and then I ended up just giving the whole bag for the mzay to take home with her. Two days later, she walked all the way back to the house just to thank me and tell Mama that I am one of them. "This girl is African, you cannot let her go back." At first I just thought she was being nice and trying to make me feel good, but Mama explained to me that when an elderly person talks, it is something to be taken seriously. Wow. I am still thing about that moment one week later. Whether or not Uganda will be difficult, whether or not I will miss my family and friends, whether or not I end up staying here the rest of my life, God is asking me to obey very clearly right here, right now. I would be a fool not to, and I also have no excuse not to trust Him. He has proven to me time and time again in my 24 years of life that He is faithful, He is good, His grace knows no bounds, and that I will never be separated from His love.
 That, my friends, is only the beginning.
The poverty in Port was also very overwhelming. The area is utterly broken. HIV and malaria are prominent, but there are so many underlying evils and destitution laying around; manifesting in drunkards and deception. Visiting houses during ministry, I got to the point where I expected the owners to ask me to help them by giving. Very quickly I got overwhelmed with the vast amount of needs in the village, in the church, in the school. However, God was very quick to take that burden but also convict me at the same time. Just because I arrived at Port doesn't mean that God stops working so I can step in. He doesn't need me to do His work. He doesn't need me at all. He is bigger and greater and stronger than anything I could ever do. He doesn't need me. At the same time, He wants me to do something and He wants me to obey that command. First and foremost, I need to give them Jesus. That is more important than money, than food, than comfort (I'd love to share the reason with anyone who wants to know, just ask). Next, I have been given resources that are not mine, but God's. I did not choose to be born into comfort - God chose and He has a purpose for that. Coming to terms with that might take me whole life, but at least I am beginning to understand a portion. I need to give.
Please continue to pray for me and the team.
Health (we are dropping like flies)
To stay present in ministry while processing our three week assignments (we will be going back to the slum, a prison, and learning about Islam)
Rest
Cultural sensitivity (the students are becoming a little too free)
Wisdom
From Port Victoria:
    Roofing for the church
    Support for Pastor Mongabe (he is supporting orphans on top of his own children with no income)
    Food for the orphans at the school and a way to sustain themselves
    Mama Rosemary - peace and strength as she has so many children to care for


Bwana asifiwe for all He has done.
Baraka,
Missy

The Best Medicine

Laughter.
The themes from Port Victoria are swimming in my head as I adjust to being back in the city: "laughter is the best medicine" and "kidogo kidogo polepole" (little by little, slowly by slowly). I arrived in Kassarani with my two ministry partners, Megan and Michelle, yesterday evening and I am still processing everything that God did in Port.
Unfortunately, I don't have much time to tell you all every single blessed detail of the last three weeks - it could be enough for a novel...
Mama Rosemary is quite a character. She is one of the most incredible women I have ever met. Her big personality, her laughter, her unwavering faith is stunning to say the least. Eh, how can I even express her? There are too many words.
She spent the whole three weeks with us in her cement-block house because she has retired from her job with Africa Inland Mission in Nairobi, freeing her to be our guide and mama. She's spent almost 30 years with people from the U.S., so she always told us to feel free and be open with her. What a blessing! There wasn't a house help, so as soon as we learned our way around the kitchen we helped her make chai and most of the meals. I am looking forward to showing off my new Kenyan skills when I come back!
Apart from Mama, we had a wonderful group of friends surrounding us, encouraging us, and teaching us from the school, from Mama's church in Port, and even from the house boy, Freddie. Through all of my ministry there, I felt enormously blessed to be there with all of those wonderful people of God.
We visited Sheryls Orphans Childrens School every morning to help teachers and spend as much time as possible loving on the students. Because of the heat of Port, we went back to the house to eat lunch and rest, then on to door-to-door evangelism with the pastor of Mama's church when it was cooler. There was only one opportunity to minister to girls at a secondary school near by because Kenya is having a nation wide teacher strike. Among those, we walked everywhere so I was able to get to know many of the people along the way, especially the children excited to see wazungu (white people). Port is a very rural, poverty stricken area and I have fallen in love...again. They speak Kiswahili and the local language (Kinyala) of which I was able to learn a few phrases. My favorite thing was to shock people as I greeted them in their mother tongue - it even saved us from being attacked once. That's another story for another day.
Door-to-door evangelism was such a blessing. Out of 20 houses, we lead 16 people to salvation. Bwana asifiwe (praise God!)! That's not saying they will stick with the promise they made, but at least we did God's work and "planted seeds" in the community.
The orphans from the school were my favorite part of ministry. The last Friday, we took them to a nearby town called Kisumu - many of them haven't stepped out of Port at all and they were excited. Riding back in the bus, I was holding a three-year-old girl in my arms as she was sleeping. The other children were singing songs at the top of their lungs, Mama's mouth had not stopped moving since leaving Kisumu, and our well-being was in the hands of the bus driver swerving to avoid oncoming lorries. In the midst of that chaos, God completely and utterly broke my heart and confirmed my call to work with children in Africa as I gazed at the ebony face leaning on my chest. As a three year old, she not only had herself to worry about, but also has the burden of worrying about her old grandma who is unable to feed herself. How can God be so good and bestow all these blessings upon us, and so many children are struggling to live? This might be a question I carry to the grave. God's ways are not our ways. His way is better than Missy's way. He is working and loving all of the orphans even when I can't see it.
Being overwhelmed with all of the poverty was difficult, but Jesus gave me good reminders along the way.

I'll sign off for now.
Mungu akubariki sana (God bless you very much)!
Missy