Back in the U.S. yet again.
Ametenda maajabu nasiwezi kueleza!
He has done so much for me and I cannot tell it all!
This Kiswahili worship song has been echoing in my head since my fellow worship leader and lovely friend taught it to me on the plane ride back to the U.S. How can I tell it all? How can I tell of God's incredibly love that cannot be fathomed? How He blessed me beyond anything I can understand with love, affirmation, confirmation, and pure joy? How can I tell that He gave me a community of friends my age who quickly became a family with one heart and mind? That I was sweetly broken for every child I touched? Run-on sentences don't seem to be enough. There are too many words to choose from, too many to use to describe my experience in Kenya this summer with my Heavenly Father. Bwana asifiwe! Praise God.
Going into the summer, I was very confident that it would be easier returning home knowing that I'll be back in East Africa again before the year ends. Yet, as my group was in debriefing, my whole being was resisting the thought of leaving my beloved friends and family in Kenya and in my group. While there were many challenges, the joy I found was overflowing to the point of becoming a waterfall. It was God's doing. I met new friends, and cried many tears of joy when seeing old, dear friends (my friend Silvia being one of the most joyful reunions). It was God's doing.
Now I am learning evermore that my love for Jesus and the joy that I find in following Him should not change with my circumstances because He doesn't change:
Sometimes the biggest lessons from Kenya do not show their faces until reentering your home culture. I got hit hard yesterday with my "big lesson" after almost a week of adjusting, impatience with my home culture, struggling with remarks from people around me, and longing to be back with the community I grew to love and the families I have become a part of.
Apart from learning to give generously, that all I have is God's, and all the confirmation and affirmation I received, I was/am completely blown away by God my Father. Taken aback and utterly blindsided by Him.
Me. I am an ugly, selfish, prideful person inside, completely. There is a black blob of sin that consumes me, that rebels against God's voice and His commands. I am a sinful, ignorant being - unfit to be even acknowledged by God or used by Him.
God. He doesn't need me. He doesn't need us to accept Him, pray to Him, to obey Him, to follow Him. He is the ultimate being, the only One worthy of praise, indescribable, beyond powerful enough to kill and destroy, to wipe out entire nations. He is the beginning of all things, the end of all things. He holds enough love for the universe. He holds the life of the universe with His finger. He is dangerous and mighty.
Yet, God allowed me to be someone He used. He used me to show an overflow of joy and love for my Jesus despite my ugliness and sinful self. He gave me a joy that shone brightly, that was recognizable; a love for Jesus that I could not contain. It was overflowing to those around me.
He doesn't need me.
But He chooses to want me/us. Do you know why? It is for OUR benefit! Because He chooses to love even a wretch like me. No matter how small we make Him out to be, no matter how much we insult Him, no matter how many times we push Him away... God doesn't need us to do anything for Him, but He desires it because it brings us closer to Him - He wants to love us!
What?! Do you know what that could mean if we all took that seriously? At face value? I am utterly blown away. He could take away my life at any moment; He holds that string that sustains my life and He could let go.
Now I completely understand with my whole being why The Lord needs to be praised and respected. I understand why we need to fear Him because of His incredible power and might. He doesn't need me to say "yes" to His call to for me to go to Uganda or to love Him.
But I am and I do. My love for The Lord is growing evermore as I realize my huge need for Him in my life. I need Him because of how black and ugly I am inside; how weak and prideful.
Kenya 2013 showed me the joy that comes with saying "yes" to Jesus' promptings. He has lavished His love upon me and that made me fall in love with my God more and more. Whether I deserve it or not, He blessed me abundantly by allowing me to go to Kenya and be in a place I love dearly; by allowing me to find the end of my heart's strings in the ebony faces of children and orphans.
I am to praise Him because He is good to those who love Him. I am to praise Him because He chooses to love me and give me a desire to hear these words from The Father's lips at the end of all things, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."
Kenya doesn't change people. God uses Kenya to change the people who find themselves there.
And this is just the beginning...
Going into the summer, I was very confident that it would be easier returning home knowing that I'll be back in East Africa again before the year ends. Yet, as my group was in debriefing, my whole being was resisting the thought of leaving my beloved friends and family in Kenya and in my group. While there were many challenges, the joy I found was overflowing to the point of becoming a waterfall. It was God's doing. I met new friends, and cried many tears of joy when seeing old, dear friends (my friend Silvia being one of the most joyful reunions). It was God's doing.
Now I am learning evermore that my love for Jesus and the joy that I find in following Him should not change with my circumstances because He doesn't change:
Sometimes the biggest lessons from Kenya do not show their faces until reentering your home culture. I got hit hard yesterday with my "big lesson" after almost a week of adjusting, impatience with my home culture, struggling with remarks from people around me, and longing to be back with the community I grew to love and the families I have become a part of.
Apart from learning to give generously, that all I have is God's, and all the confirmation and affirmation I received, I was/am completely blown away by God my Father. Taken aback and utterly blindsided by Him.
Me. I am an ugly, selfish, prideful person inside, completely. There is a black blob of sin that consumes me, that rebels against God's voice and His commands. I am a sinful, ignorant being - unfit to be even acknowledged by God or used by Him.
God. He doesn't need me. He doesn't need us to accept Him, pray to Him, to obey Him, to follow Him. He is the ultimate being, the only One worthy of praise, indescribable, beyond powerful enough to kill and destroy, to wipe out entire nations. He is the beginning of all things, the end of all things. He holds enough love for the universe. He holds the life of the universe with His finger. He is dangerous and mighty.
Yet, God allowed me to be someone He used. He used me to show an overflow of joy and love for my Jesus despite my ugliness and sinful self. He gave me a joy that shone brightly, that was recognizable; a love for Jesus that I could not contain. It was overflowing to those around me.
He doesn't need me.
But He chooses to want me/us. Do you know why? It is for OUR benefit! Because He chooses to love even a wretch like me. No matter how small we make Him out to be, no matter how much we insult Him, no matter how many times we push Him away... God doesn't need us to do anything for Him, but He desires it because it brings us closer to Him - He wants to love us!
What?! Do you know what that could mean if we all took that seriously? At face value? I am utterly blown away. He could take away my life at any moment; He holds that string that sustains my life and He could let go.
Now I completely understand with my whole being why The Lord needs to be praised and respected. I understand why we need to fear Him because of His incredible power and might. He doesn't need me to say "yes" to His call to for me to go to Uganda or to love Him.
But I am and I do. My love for The Lord is growing evermore as I realize my huge need for Him in my life. I need Him because of how black and ugly I am inside; how weak and prideful.
Kenya 2013 showed me the joy that comes with saying "yes" to Jesus' promptings. He has lavished His love upon me and that made me fall in love with my God more and more. Whether I deserve it or not, He blessed me abundantly by allowing me to go to Kenya and be in a place I love dearly; by allowing me to find the end of my heart's strings in the ebony faces of children and orphans.
I am to praise Him because He is good to those who love Him. I am to praise Him because He chooses to love me and give me a desire to hear these words from The Father's lips at the end of all things, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."
Kenya doesn't change people. God uses Kenya to change the people who find themselves there.
And this is just the beginning...
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