“I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity.”
― C.S. Lewis
― C.S. Lewis
Yet, let's be real. I was also human. I was grumpy and irritable, selfish and snappy, frustrated, a volcano waiting to erupt, unreliable, and needing to scream at the top of my lungs on some occasions. I can be an ugly person.
I was originally set to leave for Uganda in October but my departure was pushed back to January 10th. I was relieved. Not only did I need more funds, but I also wasn't prepared mentally or spiritually. My trip to Kenya this summer filled me up with affirmation, confirmation, community, and love, but it was still daunting to be back home. The air felt sterile, the roads were without bumps, the clock reigned, strangers were unfriendly, and the food wasn't fresh from the shamba (garden). It was difficult to close that story of my life to focus on my next adventure to Uganda and even to focus on my last couple months of teaching. It wasn't my time, so God gave me new lessons and reminded me of old lessons as I waited.
One of the lessons from Kenya has stuck to me; the bond stronger than honey: I was right where God wanted me and I felt His joy because of my obedience. However, I am human. I forget. Even though memories from both of my trips to Kenya will always be there, some of things fade. The not-so-good things from own culture began to creep back into my being a little each day.
The closer Uganda got and as the little things from Kenya faded, doubt started whispering, "This will be hard. Don't you want to stay wth your family where you feel safe? 11 months is such a long time to be away from home. You have a job. Why do you need to leave?"
That is one reason I didn't want to be a missionary. My family and I are close. I guess being homeschooled up until college bonds a family in more ways than I initially realized. I thought I would be fine staying around family the rest of my life. No need to do anything crazy or adventurous.
Nevertheless, God has used all of my life decisions to guide me to this place. A place that was confirmed as I held an orphan from a small village ridden with HIV and Malaria on Lake Victoria. She slept with her hand clinging to mine and the beads of sweat flowing down her nose like the tears on my face. Children. Africa. My calling.
How can I forget all the little things God used to clearly state His specific purpose for the next year of my life? They practically yelled in my face during my time in Kenya. The Lord has prepared me and I will say, "yes" despite the doubt and the uncomofrtable unknown I face. He will fight the doubt for me. "The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still." - Exodus 14:14
No other god or gods in the world loves their followers like this Christian God does. This love is beyond anything I can experience with anyone else.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that
whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God
did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order
that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is
not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already,
because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God." John 3:16-18
The God I am choosing to follow will not make my life comfortable, but He will continue to love me with this unfailing love. Even though I am human.
Some people think I am brave and adventurous. I assure you I am not. I am human. But God is brave/adventurous and as long as I know He is doing all of His work through me, I will obey His commands. I will be leaving for Uganda, a new country, new language, new people because I know God will be with me and that I will be given joy (not necessarily happiness). The Lord, only, is sufficient for me. This needs to be all about Him.
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