Provided with Soul Food

“We want clarity; God wants us to come closer. Life is always clear when you press closer and see it through the sheer love of God.” -Unknown

  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

This week’s “report” has been started many times, but there never seems to be the right words to describe all my thoughts and feelings. I already have trouble verbally expressing myself and it seems that my inspiration for writing isn’t as strong this week.

Volcano. That is a good way to describe how I deal with my emotions. I tuck them neatly away down within my being, perk up a smile, and then continue on with my days. Tuck, tuck, tuck. All the way down. When the pressure becomes too much, I erupt with tears of frustration and I quickly melt into the “woe is me” mentality. Most of the time I don’t even realize I am going through these motions – it has become a subconscious act.

So there I was last week, at school and at Kakumba chapel with the wonderful people God has given me, and I was finding everything difficult. My brain was full and I couldn’t take in any more information or give much of myself to those I was supposed to be ministering to. I also tend to take on the burdens of others, and there are plenty of people I am around who have many burdens my compassionate heart was eager to soothe.  It took me a little too long to notice that my time with God was lacking depth and my thoughts were becoming selfish...I needed a break. Away from campus. Away from my big, lonely house. Away.

I erupted (when I was alone at home…don’t worry).

There is a term I have learned recently that has been used by my fellow AIM members for people who use the middle/high class, fancy “resources” found in the city - “fat cat”. You should know, after my great experiences in Kenya, I’ve struggled with the knowledge that there are missionaries from the U.S. who indulge in the “fat cat” things while they are on the field – American food, movie theaters, tourist attractions, etc. Shouldn’t missionaries integrate fully into the culture they are living, food and all? Shouldn’t they abstain from the “fat cat” things? When Jesus came to earth, He lived a simple life in the culture of the Jews at the time. Shouldn’t we follow His example in this while we also strive to follow His example in other aspects of our lives?

A part of me thought that I wouldn’t have a need for the things that this city holds; that I could go this whole year without seeing a movie or eating American food at a restaurant. Ha! My pride has got me again.

Being integrated into another culture for a long period of time, when you grew up a certain way, is another level of exhaustion. Hearing Luganda more than English, always trying to be conscious of subtle and obvious cultural norms, always being around people who don’t fully understand your home culture, getting asked and asking many questions, eating differently (no matter how delicious), and even learning how to communicate my relationship with God can drain a person of energy…mentally and physically. What helps? Time away with some “fat cat” things from the home culture, and quality time with the Lord to reflect on the lessons and experiences. And when being a “light in the darkness” and pointing people to Christ is my “job”, I need to be filled to my full potential – otherwise my presence here is in vain.

God is certainly my provider! My Jehovah-jireh! Before I left school on Wednesday, the teachers informed me that there would be no school the rest of the week due to Kyambogo’s graduation. Praise the Lord for some extra days off! God certainly knows that it is difficult for me to take time off, so He didn’t give me an excuse. Thursday afternoon, I ran away from campus and traveled to Lubowa in Kampala (AIM office and the guesthouse, Matoke Inn) where my Ugandan journey started. I used the Wi-Fi, joined in on the wonderful meals at Matoke, watched a movie, and sat in the garden with God and my journal. An AIM staff member let me stay with her and was so generous to take care of me while I was rejuvenating! It felt a bit like home. The time around other bazungu was refreshing, and I also got to meet other AIM missionaries and hear their stories. It is amazing what good some American things can do for the soul! It is a needed form of rest for the mind so I can focus on God – not having to adapt my language or culture to fit in a foreign one.  

Coming back to campus felt great. I was ready to take on more obstacles and continue strongly with the relationships I have already. Now I know that there has to be a balance. I won’t ever stomp on the culture I am now living in to be a “fat cat”, but I realize that allowing myself to be in my home culture, and giving my mind and its thoughts a rest with some good, American, soul food is OK. And, most importantly, quality time with the One who has given me everything and who is all I need. 

 “Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.” -1 Timothy 6:17