I Will Waste My Life: "Look at Me"

If you walk down some road at Kyambogo University, you may see something out of place among the ebony faces of students, faculty, and boda drivers. There is a foreigner, a muzungu (in Kenya they say mzungu – white person), who is wincing from the dust of the road. Her white skin shows every mark of dirt and every spot kissed by the sun or mosquito. The dirt is in her hair and between her toes. She wears strange clothes – sometimes tucking in her shirts. Her footsteps struggle to match the slow pace of the natives as the clock in her head pushes her forward. On occasion, she greets people along the way, in a language that is still alien to her tongue, and continues to listen for the giggles or polite replies that follow. Her ears ignore the taunts of men trying to get her to give them a reaction. Thoughts and even prayers swim in her head with each footstep – she knows to whom she can give the thanks for her safety and wellbeing. And if you watch for a while, you’ll see her smile grow leaps and bounds when someone she knows falls into stride with her own steady cadence. Even concentration can be seen on her face as she dodges the ruts, bumps, and stones her foot threatens to contact. You can even catch glimpses of longing in her eyes. Longing to be able to hide from people wanting her attention because of her color. Longing to blend in with the red, dusty earth. Longing for complete understanding from others and from herself.

This week marked the one month I have been in this beautiful country. Reflecting on this month has brought some encouragement as I look at the relationships I have built. Excitement is also there; I have 10 more months of those same relationships! As far as language, I’ve been feeling a need to take a bigger step and take more risks even though I have improved a lot since my arrival. Being around children helps. Either the adults use the same commands or the children themselves repeat words that enter my ears often enough to complete a puzzle.

Being in a completely new environment, I sometimes “shut down” and just observe what is going on around me. Old feelings have come up from when I was young – quiet, shy, timid, wanting to show who I am, but not knowing how. My friends tease me (along with their encouragements) about being shy, but maybe in time, I will be more open and more like the confident, bold leader God has grown me to be. It has literally felt like I’ve started again from where I was in high school.

I stand out all the time. My skin “glows in the dark” and provides more negative or positive attention than I have ever hoped to gain in my life. This reminds me of how immigrants, international students, and minorities feel in the U.S. Out of place. How privileged have I been to not have to think on such things? It is not comfortable and it is exhausting to stay positive all the time.

Comfort. God continues to point me back to Him when I am aching for comfort. My weakness overwhelms me, but we all have to continue to remember that God works through us best when we are weak. I’ve identified with Moses from the book of Genesis many times throughout my years of life. He was “…slow of speech and tongue” and still resisted the command for obedience even after the Lord showed Moses signs of His power and might. God didn’t give Moses room for excuse, but he made excuses still. And yet, Moses turned out to be one of the great leaders of the humungous nation of Israel. God has it covered. Even when I feel beat down and exhausted from being in a new culture 24/7, the Lord is using this weakness anyway. He has even given me joy for obeying His command to “waste my life” and give up people and things I hold dear.

I continued to get to know the teachers and students at school this week. We have gained a couple students that will be coming on Monday. Culturally, it is difficult for me to give suggestions and ideas to be implemented just yet…another reason I am thankful I am here for a longer time. I constantly have to fight with my thoughts and remind myself that God is STILL working whether or not anything is happening at school. And I also have to remember that my relationships with teachers, friends, and even the guards at the gate are the most important – to encourage them and to always point them to God. I guess being a muzungu has its advantages (like my dear sister, Rachel, reminded me) and I pray that God will use my color as a light to glorify His Name.

Prayers:

Pray against discouragement

For me to feel free to be open and honest with people – step out of this protective shell

To always remember that our God is greater in my many weaknesses.

Thing at the University sorted so this program could improve.

My permanent housing to be ready soon.

Highlights:

Teacher Betty fed me the little, whole fish I’ve dodged during my time in Kenya. Their local name means “look at me” because their intact eyeballs stare at you on their way to your mouth. Betty told me not to get shocked when I saw them amidst the rice – I had to mentally prepare.

Braved the sticky glue that threatens YOUR LIFE when eating Jackfruit. Just kidding…but the sticky glue that holds the small pieces of fruit can stick for days if you’re not careful.

Started working more with my students in class. I got bitten, pushed, slapped, etc. Sound familiar, Greeley people? Welcome to autism.

Attended a late night worship service at church. I hoped to learn more Luganda songs, but it was full of songs from the western world. The familiarity was nice. I didn’t even have to ask friends to walk me home, they just asked me when I wanted to go.

The group I teach at Compassion was a little more open and even answered my questions.

Kept forgetting about Valentine’s Day. It’s a blessing that it was uneventful! P.S. I love you all.

Culture:

Valentine’s Day in Uganda is celebrated. Couples celebrate by going out in clothes of red and black. However, the decorations aren’t there (that I have seen), nor does the “bah humbug” cries of the single exist. Not going to lie…it was really refreshing. Embrace singleness people!

Luganda:

Jebale co (well done). People tend to greet a formal greeting and then say “well done”. It can also be used when greeting someone in passing.

Pictures: